Feb 13, 2009

Dear Menstrual Cramps From Hell,

Let me start off by saying, thanks. Really? Why the fuck are you coming around early? Why the fuck are you starting at random times? Like when I am staying over in the guest room at a guys house from match.com!? Seriously? Thanks. What a fucking pleasant surprise at 7am. Really? Thanks. No, it wasn't aquward having to ask dude for some vicodin for my hour drive home. Seriosuly? Thanks!

Are you fuckin serious? Really? Thanks menstral cramps from hell, you fuckin whore!

Dec 18, 2008

Dear Phish,

Really? You broke up? Seriously? I remeber the first break you took. It was 2000 and you were taking a hiatus... really? So you really couldn't get your shit together and keep turning out sick jams? Really? WOW... So you get back together and kick out some jams... really? The only thing that was jamming was my Grandma back in Kansas with her strawberry harvest. So after you start sucking... you decide to announce a "break up" and stage a three day farewell party in the middle of nowhere... really? Did I mention the mud piled moat circling your crunchie groves??? Really? No Really? Boys, you can't keep it together, seriously? Not even enough to play at your own show? Really? All that drama... seriously? What a break up it was!

So after all the torture... all the money... all the time... you decide that it is time for you to come back and pick up where you left off?? Really? WOW! Seriously?

Jun 26, 2008

Dear God,

Yesterday, I had bad cramps, so I decided to go to the hospital to get some Vicodin. On my way there, my clutch went out. I was only about half mile away so I walked to the hospital. It was one of the only sunny days in Portland, thank god! Of course I was wearing jeans because I expected the doctor's office to be cold. I had no idea that I would be trucking through the ghetto in the heat to get to the hospital. Anyways, I finally got to the hospital. I went in to see the doctor and told her I needed Vicodin. She felt my stomach and told me that I needed an ultra-sound because my pelvis was hard. I was like, look bitch, i don't give a fuck, just give me some pills! She then said that I might need surgery and might not be able to have kids. I was like, who cares- pills!! pills!! Then she informed me that Vicodin was a narcotic. Then I informed her that she is a narc. So she gave me 5 Vicodin and I was on my way. I rolled back in the heat, through the ghetto, to my broken down truck. My truck was parked right next door to one of those motels where crackheads & hookers live and chill. It was quit the spectacle. It gave me a lot to think about while I sat in the sun waiting for 2 hours for AAA to come and pick my ass up. Finally, AAA dude, DJ came and saved me from a newly formed crack addiction. He brought me back to my house where I proceeded to cry and asked God, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??!!

Jun 18, 2008

Dear Lakers,

Really? Celtics 131 / Lakers 92, SERIOUSLY?

After the game, Bryant had no clue.

Reporter: When did you concede that tonight wasn’t your night?

Kobe: “Not sure. I don't know.”

Reporter: How do you see the Lakers’ prospects from here?

Kobe: “I don't know.”

Reporter: Is this the best defense you’ve ever seen?

Kobe: “I don't know, I've seen some pretty stiff ones.”

Reporter: Is there anything other than rebounding and shot blocking your team has to address?

Kobe: “I don't know. I have no idea.”

Reporter: What did Doc Rivers tell you at the end of the game?

Kobe: “Honestly, I don't know (laughing).”

Are you fucking serious Lakers? Really?

Jun 13, 2008

Dear Pee Wee,

Really Pee Wee? You are going to tell me that crack is whack, but then you are going to get caught jacking off in public? Seriously? Pee Wee trying to give the youth some advice? Really? Here is some advice: after making millions off of your freaked out kids show, buy a home theather and spend your evenings jacking off in your own home. Really Pee Wee! Who should take any advice from you?

Are you fucking serious?

Dear LA Lakers,

"We let a huge opportunity slip away, so I'm upset, hurt, disappointed... It's a huge loss, no doubt about it," Kobe Bryant said. "It was terrible."

Really, Kobe?


After a 24 point lead, you are really going to give up game 4 of the finals? Seriously Lakers? After finally playing some real b-ball, after rocking out the first half, you are really going to give it up to the Bean town brats? Seriously Lakers?

Oh, Kobe looks upset. Really Kobe? You are just going to let Boston win?

Are you fucking serious Lakers?

Jun 12, 2008

Dear Guns & Guitars,

Bald head with a pony tail? Really? Guns, guitars, rocking out with your cock out? Really? Shamlessly flashing your hairy body with an arsenal ready to kick some ass? Really? Is this how you lure women into your dungen? Seriously?

Are you fucking serious?

Dear R. Kelly,

We know you were "trapped in the closet" and all, but really, pissing on little girls?

Are you fucking serious?

Jun 11, 2008

Dear United Airlines,

United. Seriously. Taking a flight on Saturaday morning and not getting to my destination till Sunday afternoon, really. United. Seriously. Arriving in Puerto Rico on Sunday afternoon and not getting my luggage till Wednesday? Really.

Are you fucking serious?